The Decision to Change

I can still remember the day that I decided to do whatever it took to change and turn my life around.  I was sitting in a prison cell in Appleton Minnesota and the reality of my situation hit me like a freight train.  I started to cry.  I just couldn't believe that my life had ended up the way it had.  And, I was scared that I had dug a hole so deep for myself that there was no chance of redemption.

My wife had left me and I had just returned from the funeral service of a good freind who had passed away from spinal meningitus at the age of 23.  I remember thinking how fragile life was, and feelng an extreem sorrow and shame for how my life had turned out.  I knew that I had to do something - or nothing was ever going to change.  So, I resolved to do whatever it took to get my life back on track.

Yet, even as I made this promise to myself I realized that I had made this resolution to change many times in the past - usually the result of being caught and punished. However, in the past, this desire to change would usually fade quickly and the vicious cycle would start over. One tiny irresponsible act would lead to another. Each act would become a little more irresponsible until eventually I was back doing the same things as before – or even worse. It was as if I were challenging the fates to bring me down. When they didn’t, I rejoiced in my shrewdness. However, this short-lived merriment always ended with the painful slap of reality once I got caught…and resolved to change again.


It is hardly surprising that every guy in prison that I talked to was caught in a similar vicious cycle. We had vowed to change at some point in our lives, only to revert back to our criminal ways. We would tell ourselves that we would never again use drugs, steal or hurt others. But, we did. None of us ever wanted to be arrested or return to prison. But, we did. We all wanted to be successful, important, and in control. We wanted to make our friends and families proud. But all we ever seemed to do was cause them pain and suffering.